It's Just Lunch Vancouver

Love at Third Sight?

Based on our last survey questions on sex, it’s interesting to ponder this question: what comes first, sex or love? There’s no doubt among your friends and family, two people met, fell right in love, and have lived happily ever after. It’s certainly a romantic ideal, but does it hold up in the 21^st century?

Believe it or not, almost 75% of men say love at first sight still exists. Women are a little more skeptical, but a healthy 63% believe the same thing. Those romantic ideals don't translate when it comes to a question about marriage, with 56% of both men and women saying that tying the knot isn’t as important as it used to be.

Many men and women enter a first date looking to find that immediate connection. While it’s important to set expectations for yourself, it’s also nice to let loose and relax in the feeling that going out on a date is supposed to be fun. In order to do that, suspend your expectations and live in the moment on a date. You’ll find that by doing so, you’ll have more fun, exude confidence, and appear all the more attractive to that person sitting across from you.

Sex on the Brain

But what if you do click with your date? And by click, we mean chemistry, attraction, and connectedness seem to be firing on all cylinders between you and your date. Okay, so you certainly don’t have to worry about rejection; because what may be on your mind is sex.

Of course, sex is a tricky thing. Everyone wants it, but many people are hesitant to go for it on a first date even if all signs point to yes. Do women put off sex because they’re worried about being judged? Will a man judge a woman if they sleep together on the first date? According to our results, almost 60% of women avoid sex on the first date because they are worried about what a guy will think, and almost 80% of women think a guy will, in fact, draw conclusions about a woman if they end up sleeping together on a first date. A little more than half of men surveyed believe women put off sex because of judgments, but a little less than half of men would judge a woman if they slept together on the first date.

Clearly, there’s some miscommunication going on between both sexes when it comes to sex. What is clear is that you should be comfortable with who you are. Sure it sounds clichéd, but if you happen to be more sexual than your date and you are getting judged for that, then it probably isn’t meant to be. Also, if you are the type of person who holds off until you get to know someone better, then that is equally powerful in itself. Ultimately, dating is about being confident and finding chemistry with a partner. If any egregious judgments are passed throughout the course of a night that’s supposed to be fun, then you might be better off with someone else.

Rejection, Sex, and Love

Take a moment and think back ten years ago to 2001. While cell phones were starting to skyrocket in popularity, not many people had the ability to check email or text on a minute-by-minute basis. That’s how far we’ve come in terms of inter-connectivity. In fact, the term “hyper-connectivity” tells a lot about our personal lives, and that includes dating. Bottom line: times have changed and our latest It’s Just Lunch dating myth survey results speak to just that.

 

Make the Call 

Even though as a society we’re hyper-connected, ironically, it’s also easier to avoid direct contact. Whether it’s email, text, Facebook, or even through a tricky iPhone app, you don’t have to necessarily see someone you don’t want to see. However, just because we’ve outsourced our communication to gadgets, doesn’t mean we have to set aside politeness. Only 15% of both men and women said they would check email if they were bored on a date or didn’t feel like their date was a match.  Even more telling was how men and women deal with rejection. About one in three women would text or email a person to turn them down. Men seemed more likely to call, with one in four preferring a phone call as opposed to a text or email.

Think Outside of the Dating Box

You're a different person than you were during your last relationship.  Your dating preferences may have evolved as well.  The love of your life may be out there, but in a somewhat different form than what you previously imagined.  

One way to step outside of the dating box is to mentally update who you've become since your last round of dating.   Here are a few things to consider:

• Why are you dating again? Are you looking for a long-term relationship or just testing the waters?
• What do you have to offer that may be different from the last time you were dating?
• Are there things you want to do differently?  
• What do you hope to gain from meeting new people?

Once you have become current with yourself, it is time to look at what you want from a potential mate. There are sev

eral reasons to rule people out.  However, not everything you think is important is a deal breaker. 

Here's a way to test how strongly you feel about an issue in terms of your next relationship.  Ask yourself this:

If I met someone and I was attracted to them, and they made me feel truly loved -- would it matter that they were _____? (Fill in the blank with each of your parameters for ruling people out. 

You might be thinking, "Okay, but I could never be attracted to someone who was ______." 

That may be true.  But maybe not.

Some of the things you value the most may not be as important to you as it is to be truly loved. Perhaps the man of your dreams doesn't need to love animals as much as you.  Maybe she doesn't need to be willing to cook.  Maybe the two of you don't need to share identic

al spiritual beliefs and just respecting each other's point of view is enough. 

On the other hand, if you have a child who lives with you, it is important that you date someone who likes kids.  

Honor your deal-breakers, but test to see if they really are hard and fast rules. 

By staying open to a wider variety of people, you will open the door to date more.   Over and over again, the matchmakers at It's Just Lunch see that our clients that are willing to do this have the most matches, the best time and the greatest dating success.

Give Chemistry a Second Chance

It has happened to everyone who has played the dating game.  It's the end of the date and you are lukewarm about the other person and on the fence about what to do regarding a second date. Before you write off this person as a potential match, consider giving chemistry a second chance.

Men and women, even though they try their best, often can't relax until the second date.  There's a chance that you didn't get to see who they really are because they were distracted by their own nervousness or events of the day.

In It's Just Lunch's e-book "20 Years of First Dates", one-third of surveyed singles reported that they have had a bad or lukewarm date lead to a longer term relationship. If the other person shows interest in going out again, consider saying yes.  There's a chance they see something you don't and it may pay off for both of you.

If you agree to a second date, change things up by turning the second date into a physical activity. Many people find it easier to open up and connect with someone when they are moving around.  

Looking for second date activity inspiration? In an article by Marie Claire, "51 Second Date Ideas," some of the ideas included making ice cream, going on a picnic, hitting the local bowling alley, picking fruit at a local farm, go wine tasting or visiting a museum.  Most of the suggested ideas were low on time investment but could produce giant results in the chemistry department.

A second date may be just want the two of you needed to tap into chemistry and make a more solid connection.

 

Debunking Dating Myths, Part 1: Setting Expectations

For anyone going on a first date, there are lots of initial questions that can pop into one’s head, ranging from “will I be attracted to them in person?” to “what kind of plans should I make tonight?” It’s Just Lunch recently surveyed singles around the world to get a sense for the “state of the first date”.

 

Heightened expectations

Do looks really matter? Most people have natural attractions toward others based on hair color, skin color, body types, and so on. Even though we’re constantly inundated with images of sexy celebs and other attractive figures, most of the time we have a general idea of the type of person we like. Some people may have a specific type, while others are a little broader in their perspective—and having a firm opinion either way is a good thing! However, we did ask both men and women a simple question that seems to come up time and time again. Does height really matter?  The results aren’t surprising. Typically, two out of three men want to date women who are shorter than they are, and they believe women want the same thing. Ladies, you overwhelmingly responded that you’d like to date guys who are taller, and believe men are on the same page. So what’s the takeaway if we all already knew this? Guys, do not fib about your height before going on a date. Adding an inch or two (no pun intended) really won’t help your cause, from a statistical standpoint.

However, when it comes to sheer attractiveness, women may not have guys figured out after all. We separately asked men and women if guys prefer looks to brains. Most women believe they do. However the guys told a different story: a majority of men would date someone who is smart over someone who just brings a pretty face to bring to the table. Ladies, use the power of wit and confidence to overwhelm your guy on a date.  Trust us, he’ll appreciate it.

 

The Money Question

When it comes to money, this question comes up on a date both directly and indirectly (and we’ll cover the direct part in a second.) According to our survey, both men and women candidly agreed that they want the other to make more money, which kind of brings us to an impasse. However, from what we can deduce, this isn’t about who brings home a larger paycheck. This is simply a matter of being on equal footing. While it’s nice to be able to pay for dinner or treat someone to an outing, it’s also nice to get some reciprocity once in a while.

On that note, our survey results revealed that seven out of ten women don’t always want the guy to pay the bill—and guys believed the same thing. Picking up the tab is certainly a nice gesture on a first or second dinner date, but it often isn’t required. The way we see it, if the guy picks up a tab at dinner; ladies, if you’re clicking along and having fun, treat him to an after dinner drink. Guys, if your date kindly insists on splitting the bill at dinner and you’re heading out for more fun, pick up her movie or drink tab later in the night.

To close out Part 1 of our survey, we asked both men and women the following question: “would women rather have champagne and lobster or burgers and a beer.” Again, the results were pretty clear on both sides, with 71% of men and an 82% of women responding that burgers and beers trump lobster and bubbly on a first or second date. Why? Simply put, the point of dating is to get to know someone. While it’s certainly important to impress, a nice yet casual dinner puts both men and women at ease and allows both personalities to emerge naturally. Head to a fancy restaurant, and you might not be as open as you think. Relaxed confidence is always sexy, so be human when you’re starting out and you might just click with your date better than you initially think. 

Real Chemistry Happens Face-to-Face

 

 Dating can be complicated in today's modern world.  Busy professionals have a demanding work environment and daily commitments that make it difficult to find time for dinner -- let alone browsing online profiles, cruising the bars or enduring yet another blind date.

While technology makes communication easier, it doesn't necessarily make it easier to date, and a group of U.S. psychology professors released a report last week explaining why there is no substitute for face-to-face connections.

According to the review published in this month’s issue of the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest, online dating has three key services: expansion of one's dating pool, the ability to communicate with a potential partner prior to meeting them in person and the service selecting a match based upon an algorithm.  

The key assumption, according to the report, is that two people will experience better romantic outcomes "because the individuals are more romantically compatible from the start."

But Eli Finkel, psychology professor at Northwestern University and one of the  authors, says the typical online dating site doesn't improve one's chance of meeting a compatible mate for you can't judge chemistry. According to the report, the sites may be able to predict who appeals to an individual "in a profile but not necessarily in person." 

Finkel said in a recent article about the report, "There's no better way to figure out whether you're compatible with somebody than talking to them over a cup of coffee or a pint of beer."

And Jacquie Brownridge, director of It's Just Lunch in Toronto, Vancouver and Victoria, couldn't agree more.  

"You don't make a genuine connection with someone through texting.  But when you meet someone in person and share a meal, you see how they interact with you and the people around you," said Brownridge. "That's where true chemistry happens. Face-to-face and person-to-person."

From an article of February 2012 Women's Health Magazine, "Feeling a spark on a first date has less to do with looks and more to do with how at easy your feel, according to a recent survey of 5,000 singles by dating service It's Just Lunch." 

According to the IJL survey, 66% of singles say that on a first date, chemistry is more important to them than compatibility.  But what do they mean by chemistry?  Though 20% are sparked by physical attractiveness, and 7% by flirty or sexy banter, the clear winner is neither of those. Instead, it’s “feeling comfortable together,” the answer selected by 44% of the singles -- and surprisingly 49% of men.

When asked what people look for in terms of measuring the success of a first date, the number one item, with 45% of the vote, was “I felt comfortable being myself.”

Comfortable is definitely the magic word. There are things you can do to make someone feel more comfortable. But there is only so much you can do. There’s also a mysterious side to being comfortable with somebody that has nothing to do with any action you can take. It’s just . . . chemistry.

And, as we stated before, that can only happen face-to-face.


Sources:

• Report: Psychological Science in the Public Interest
• Article:  Online Cupids May Miss The Mark
• Article: Report: Online dating isn't the likely route to Mr. or Ms. Right

Times Colonist: Single Best Reason For Valentine's Day

 

Are modern lovers overlooking the single best reason for Valentine's Day? An article by Times Colonist reporter Richard Watts says "It's one thing to say "I love you" with a valentine. But it can be powerfully romantic to use Valentine's Day to say "I am interested in you" or "I am still interested in you.""

In this day and age when online courtship has become a popular way to find one's match, technology has removed a lot of the person-to-person connection. 

However, Watts' article states that "introductions through friends still remains the largest way couples meet. Fully 28% of couples, the biggest single category, report being introduced through friends."  Watts also stated that "meetings in bars and restaurants are a start for more couples than the Internet, with about 23 per cent."

This reinforces the It's Just Lunch belief that real chemistry happens face-to-face.  

"You can chat back and forth online," said Jacquie Brownridge, managing director of Just Lunch, a 20- introductory service operating in Victoria, Vancouver and Toronto, in the article.

"But when you actually sit down across from somebody at a table, look them in the eye and you have a conversation, see their body language, you either connect or you don't," said Brownridge in the article.

Looking to connect with your partner this Valentine's Day?  Make an investment in your significant other and your relationship by selecting a gift or activity you both can enjoy.  

"It would be nice if we did this all day and every day, but at least there is Valentine's Day that tells you to stop, smell the roses and let the other person know you appreciate them," Brownridge said in the article. 

Read the entire article. 

The Georgia Straight: Romance = Creativity

This Valentine's Day, romance is about creativity according to The Georgia Straight and a survey from It's Just Lunch.

The article published on The Straight's blog says, "you might want to forget the fancy lingerie or box of chocolates, and take your date skydiving, to a movie, or for a massage instead." 

The article mentioned a recent It's Just Lunch survey that says "the majority of women surveyed believed that the best type of gift was a gift certificate for an activity that a couple could do together."

The article offered several ideas for a shared Valentine's Day date, including a trip to the Whistler Sliding Centre,  renting a tandem bike and pedaling around the Stanley Park seawall or a visit to the Dirty Apron Cooking School.  

Read the complete article for additional Valentine's Day date night ideas.

Dating, Chemistry and Timing

After interviewing a lot of single men and women on their dating experiences, It’s Just Lunch managed to get some real, inside information on what men and women are really looking for when they meet someone for the first time. We’ve offered tips on making a good first impression, flirting and wordplay, and tips for both sexes on what they expect out of someone on a first date. However, through all the tips and tricks, sometimes it just comes down to chemistry and timing. So what are those two seemingly nebulous yet important parts of a date?

 

You Can’t Force Chemistry… But You Can Coax It Along

So what is chemistry? Most people aren’t sure exactly what it is, but they know it when they feel it. If you have good chemistry with someone, such as on a first date, you’ll want to pursue more time with him or her. If there is bad chemistry, then it’s unlikely you’ll want to see each other again. Whatever the case, most singles – almost 66% of our respondents – said that chemistry is the single most important part of a first date; more so than even initial compatibility. While a couple may not be perfect on paper, a first date may reveal a lot more than what is in a profile. In fact, almost 44% of singles said that if they “felt comfortable being themselves” it meant the first date was a success. And listen up, ladies: 49% of men said that being able to feel comfortable as themselves on a first date was a sure sign of a good one.

 On occasion, there will be times where a first date will reveal no chemistry whatsoever. While this isn’t a bad thing, it might mean that one person wasn’t comfortable opening up, or perhaps there was mutual defensiveness on both sides. Again, while you can’t necessarily force chemistry, you can take some of the tips we have covered on www.itsjustlunchvancouverblog.com to help coax it in the right direction.

 

Confidence Has A Lot To Do With Interviewing… That, and Timing

The comparison may seem a little cold, but let’s face it: first dates are very much like interviews. Exude confidence, be comfortable in your own skin, be interested and kind to your first date, and chances are you’ll get a second one. However, there is a window in which most people decide on whether or not they’ll want to see someone again. According to our respondents, 44% of women and 46% of men decide within the first twenty minutes whether or not a second date is in the cards. The good news is that since a previous survey in 2004, both men and women are gradually deciding later and later in the date as to whether or not they want to see each other again. For example, in 2004, almost 80% of guys decided whether or not to take a woman out again within the first 15 minutes!

 

Dating Material or Relationship Material?

If the chemistry and compatibility is right, most men and women start thinking about when they want see each other again. However, are they merely thinking about a second date, or are they thinking about a relationship? Hold on to your hats, guys: 45% reflected on a first date and then asked yourselves, “Is she relationship material?” On the other hand, almost 51% of women are more likely to consider whether they want a second date or not, while 39% asked themselves if a guy was relationship material.

Even though it seems a lot can happen within the first hour of a date that makes a single decide whether or not they want to see someone again, the best thing to do is just slow it down. Dating, and much like the relationships that can follow, are marathons; not sprints. With all the complex intricacies that can occur on in a first date, it’s tough to expect perfection. If we let our guards down a bit and relax, have fun, be comfortable in our own skin and make our dates comfortable in theirs, you’ll never know what kind of surprises you’ll discover.